Fwd: Dreams

At some point you can show this to lauren. It's on our family blog so she has access to it anyway. When she is ready it may show her how she has impacted me. (I know there will still be an impact letter to write later too. She knows I journal a lot and express myself this way. She may scoff but that's ok as long as the message sinks in that her choices affect others - specifically me ) 

I don't hate her. I don't despise her. I do hurt because of her in ways I didn't know I could hurt before. I do want her to be moral and happy not just a copy of me with her own flare- although that would have been a nice parental tribute. I will learn to accept who she becomes because thats what I want to do as her mother. I hope one day she can love me and be honest and respectful towards me. And I hope the pain and blackness in her heart can be soothed and she can find peace in her choices. We can't go back and none of us will ever be the same again. There were bad things that had to change and beautiful things that got lost because of what had to happen.  It some ways it feels like she has died and another part of our world has crumbled. Sierra is glad to be free of the oppression Lauren inflicted on her but she desperately misses her too.  She will never be the same again either. I've got to watch Dimitri closer for RAD. His risk for RAD from being adopted from Russia as a toddler and now this has just  skyrocketed. I don't know what this is doing to Kyle. For Dad this has triggered pain he didn't know he had from his own adoption and has frightened him and broken him. I feel betrayed and abused.

I will make sure we all are tended to - even you Lauren- as best I can and we all will heal. Yet we will never be the same. Family's hurt each other and betray each other and forgive each other and love each other. We will too. It is a long painful path we now must walk but we are familiar with pain from Kyles challenges and dads job/schedule and our family dynamics through the years. We will use what we know and learn new ways to cope and we will grow and change. I don't know how things will turn out but we will adapt to whatever happens. I wish I could say it doesn't matter what you do but that is a lie. It matters alot. I truly hope you can make moral choices and find peace and be happy and love me without such conflict. Love mom. 

Begin forwarded message:

From: Spring Bean <springcbean@gmail.com>
Date: January 11, 2013, 9:51:15 AM MST
To: Capture The Magic Blog <sabean1.climber@blogger.com>, One Day At A Time <abeanmd.familyblog@blogger.com>, Turner Blog <sabean1.spring@blogger.com>
Subject: Re: Dreams

Times like these are when one door closes and no new window or door is open yet. Times like these make you learn to surrender, to learn patience and to learn about the metal in your soul.

Times like these require you to pledge yourself to the spiritual course of your life again. Times like these make us more than we were by denying what we had.

Times like these are for driving 10 hours through a blizzard on dangerous roads to visit a child in the hospital and take another to the hospital. Times like these are to do yoga in the hospital and to journal and reflect and pray and listen to spa radio and remember to breathe.

More of my dreams for my children have died. There is another mountain to climb. And another vista to learn to love.

If you think you can plan your life think again. You are living in ignorant bliss. Enjoy it while you can. One day you will understand that things don't go according to plans because there is too much free agency of others involved.

Times like these make me treasure what I do have more deeply and encourage me to see beauty in places I wouldn't have looked before. Times like these age me. Times like these teach me and I gain insights. I become wise. Times like this are beautiful in a painful ways. Times like these come again and again no matter what previous challenges have come and how much you thought you had paid your dues.

Times like these are living.